


Sweet as Sin

by misura



Category: Something Dark and Holy Series - Emily A. Duncan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/F, Fade to Black, Mentioned Malachiasz Czechowicz, Yuletide Treat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-22
Updated: 2020-11-22
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:14:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,495
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27656002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/misura/pseuds/misura
Summary: "Never doubt that you are loved,"Marzenya said, her voice as sharp as the cold bite of winter. (canon divergent AU)
Relationships: Nadezhda Lapteva/Marzenya
Comments: 3
Kudos: 5
Collections: Yuletide 2020





	Sweet as Sin

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Assimbya](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Assimbya/gifts).



For a moment, Nadya's brains refused to process the image - _the evidence_ , Malachiasz might have claimed, as if he hadn't lied and cheated and tried to lead her astray time and time again, always pretending that he had regrets, that he wished nothing more than to be forgiven and accepted and loved, the way Nadya wanted to be loved.

The way Nadya knew she would, could never be loved, because love was for people who didn't talk to the gods and hadn't been chosen to save their country from the monsters who would destroy it.

 _"Never doubt that you are loved,"_ Marzenya said, her voice as sharp as the cold bite of winter.

 _Not by him,_ Nadya thought. The notion shouldn't, didn't bother her. Malachiasz was a Transavian, a blood mage, one of the Vultures.

The people at the monastery had loved her, probably, in their own way. They had been kind to her. They had raised her. Admittedly, they had also left her with a lifelong abhorrence of potatoes, but, well, nobody was perfect. Nobody _human_ , anyway.

Nadya had always believed the gods were infallible. Perfect.

In her heart, she knew she still believed that. So what if Marzenya's true form wasn't that of the girl and later the woman who had always been there in Nadya's dreams? The only person she felt she could be herself with, talk to whenever she felt doubt or fear.

Still, a small voice at the back of her mind looked at Marzenya and cried, _abomination!_. It made Nadya feel ashamed of herself, unworthy. Marzenya had given her everything, turned Nadya into an instrument of salvation for all her people. _A weapon,_ Malachiasz had said. _A tool._

Nadya had told him, _I'd rather be a tool than a monster_.

He'd grinned at that, showing her his iron teeth. _I'm not the only monster around, little saint._

_I'm just the most honest one._

Nadya supposed that was now no longer true - if it had ever been anything else than yet another lie, another trick to begin with.

 _"You have been quiet for a very long time,"_ Marzenya said. If Nadya hadn't known better, she might have thought the goddess sounded uncertain, nervous, as if Nadya's opinion mattered to her.

"I'm sorry," Nadya said. "I - " She wanted to say, _You are beautiful_ , but that didn't at all sound like something it would be appropriate for someone to say to a goddess, even one she had been talking to practically all her life.

She had thought Malachiasz beautiful, too, once, even knowing that he was her enemy and her country's enemy and (most damning of all) Marzenya's enemy.

Not that Marzenya regarded Malachiasz as anything more threatening than a worm, an ant. Malachiasz was mortal, after all, and Marzenya was not.

_What you call 'gods' are just people - monsters. Like me, but better at using their powers._

"I don't know how to put my feelings into words," Nadya said.

Marzenya smiled at her, showing far too many teeth, mouths opening all over her body. Her eight eyes seemed to hold Nadya captive - there was warmth in them, Nadya wanted to believe, had to believe, but underneath she sensed something cold and hard and inhuman.

 _The goddess of winter and death and magic,_ she reminded herself. _What did you expect?_

Nadya had walked onto the battlefield, obliterating enemy soldiers simply by willing them to be gone, to stop existing. Using the spells and magic Marzenya gifted her.

 _"When you were young, you needed a friend. A companion,"_ Marzenya said.

 _I had Kostya,_ Nadya wanted to say, but Kostya had died years ago, in a surprise raid on the monastery, before Nadya had fully learned to control her powers. She'd been helpless, useless.

She had promised herself to never be helpless or useless again.

 _"Having a destiny does not mean you have to be lonely,"_ Marzenya said. Her tone absurdly reminded Nadya of the way Malachiasz had sounded the last time she'd seen him, when he'd tried to sweet-talk her _again_ into turning her back on her people, her destiny and her goddess.

"I don't care if I'm lonely, so long as I can free Kalyazin." Nadya had no idea what she was going to do with her life, after. Few saints died of old age, though; little point in worrying about something that might never even happen. "Besides," she added quickly, "how can I be lonely as long as you are with me?"

Some saints sinned and lost their ability to hear the gods who had chosen them. That scared Nadya a lot more than the possibility of a horrible death at the hands of the Tranavians. The idea of being truly alone, of being abandoned by Marzenya, of knowing she had failed not only herself but everyone else as well - Nadya knew that she would never be able to bear it.

Sometimes, she felt this fear might be the only reason she'd been able to resist Malachiasz' temptation.

 _"You have always known your duty, your destiny."_ Marzenya smiled again, this time keeping her mouths closed. _"You have served your country well. Soon now, this war will be over."_

Nadya caught herself wanting to reach out and touch one of Marzenya's horns, to prove to herself that what she was seeing was real, instead of some dream, some illusion.

"Our trouble won't be over for a while yet," Nadya said. Malachiasz might be a liar and a cheat, but he hadn't been wrong about absolutely everything.

The war had taken a heavy toll on Kalyazin. Even if the war were to be won today (which it wouldn't; even Nadya could only be in one place at a time, could only do so much before she needed to rest) - even if all Tranavians were to vanish from the face of the earth from one day to the next, it would take Kalyazin a long time to recover, to become a healthy and wealthy country again.

 _"No,"_ Marzenya agreed. _"Much will be asked of you before the end."_

"I'm ready," Nadya said. "Whatever it takes." _As long as you promise not to abandon me._ Silly: the gods didn't abandon their chosen ones for no good reason. If Nadya remained true to her purpose, pure of heart and mind, free from sin and heresy, Marzenya would remain true to her in turn.

Marzenya reached out a too thin arm, her fingers feeling more bone than skin. Her touch was cold, though not unpleasantly so. _"I know you will serve us well."_

Nadya wondered what it would feel like to kiss a goddess - _I'd have to decide which mouth first,_ she thought, feeling a hysterical giggle bubble up. Still, she felt confident enough to indulge her curiosity about the horns, to run her fingers over their rough surface, tracing them to the point where they met skin.

Marzenya smiled at her again, murmuring something in a language Nadya didn't understand as her bony hands reached for Nadya's shirt.

Nadya felt a moment's hesitation, a shyness. Of course Marzenya had seen her body before, but somehow, this was different. Nadya would have said it felt forbidden, taboo. Something that should be kept a secret, because if anyone ever found out, the consequences would be terrible.

The thought should have given her pause, but Nadya realized that the opposite was true. She'd been trying to act like a 'proper' cleric for so long, always conscious of people watching her, counting on her, looking to her for guidance. With Malachiasz, she'd felt able to simply be 'Nadya' for a while, but that hadn't lasted. Even Malachiasz had turned out to want her to be more than just Nadya in the end.

 _And, what, you think your goddess only loves you for your personality?_ she imagined Malachiasz saying, smiling that sweet, mocking smile of his.

Marzenya pulled back and snarled. _"Stop thinking of that boy. That worm."_

Nadya felt herself flush all the way to her toes. "I didn't - " _I didn't mean to offend you. Please don't repudiate me because I can't control my own thoughts._ Her actions, Nadya felt confident she could control. Her thoughts and feelings, on the other hand - those were much more difficult to keep a hold on. "Forgive me," she whispered, closing her eyes to squeeze back the threat of tears.

Marzenya sighed. _"You've been through a lot these past weeks. Exhaustion can easily lead to mistakes. You should be careful."_

"Yes," Nadya said, feeling Marzenya's body gently press against hers again. She felt lips brush over her bared breasts, her arms, her shoulder. A human would only have been able to kiss one spot at a time, but Marzenya's mouths were everywhere, some of them closed, others half-opened, teasing her with a hint of tongue or teeth. Her left hand was gripping one of Marzenya's horns again. It felt solid, something to hold onto, to keep her grounded during what was to come. "Yes."


End file.
